In a newsletter from Tom Hill, tomhillwebsite.com, this article was re-printed, (I don’t know where he got it). It made me laugh so hard that I just had to post it up. If you know the proper source, let me know so I can give proper attribution.
We had a great week here at Hunt Big Sales, but it was also exhausting, so this Friday, I thought I would share some laughs with you that are easing me into the weekend.
Paraprosdokian Sentences
A “paraprosdokian” is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.